Tonight we had a service at St Matthews that my friend Tracy Bell would definitely call "messy church." We had a liturgy but everything in it was fluid - we could change it, add to it, let things go, leave things out, just wait in silence, cry, share, even make things. And we did all of those things.
Tonight's service was a Healing and Ministry service as we welcome John Roberts as a community priest at St Matthew's, anticipating his re-licensing by the Bishop
It's been 10 years since John resigned as our Priest as a result of his relationship with Cindy (to whom he is now married.) It was a time of shock, pain and confusion. Pete was Church Warden and he and Marion had to see through this difficult time, deal with people's anger, pain and outrage, at the same time as dealing with their own deep sadness. Pete had to make decisions that sometimes went against his own inclinations. He had to say hard things and do things that hurt him as much as the people they were done to. I tried to support him, and struggled with my own feelings, as I felt I had lost two of the people I admired most, in both John and Cindy. The church was hurting and limped along, trying to make sense of what had happened. Those who were there were bumped suddenly out of our complacency and into a place of looking at ourselves as church. Some people left, others withdrew from the body in subtle ways, and some of us, the soldier ants, soldiered on, picking up the extra work as a way of dealing with our own vulnerability.
For me, it was like when someone your age dies, and you are faced with the fact of your own mortality. If a "man of God" could fall in love with someone else and leave his wife, what hope was there for mere mortals like us? Was our marriage safe? Would we survive? So self-righteous feelings took over.
And then time passed. John and Cindy disappeared off the radar and we just saw them in the distance at occasional events. Dave (Cindy's ex-husband) was around and we became better friends than we had been in the past. In a way, I "chose" my friendship with Dave and Di over reaching out to John and Cindy. I missed them both, but time passed and the feelings of sadness faded. new things happened, and we moved on. When Dave and Di got married and moved to Nottingham Road, and John and Cindy came back to St Matthews, it was easiest to just pretend nothing had happened and coast along.
Until now.
This week we have been planning the "messy" service and I have had to look at feelings that have been buried, unacknowledged, for nearly 10 years.
Tonight's service was a Healing and Ministry service as we welcome John Roberts as a community priest at St Matthew's, anticipating his re-licensing by the Bishop
It's been 10 years since John resigned as our Priest as a result of his relationship with Cindy (to whom he is now married.) It was a time of shock, pain and confusion. Pete was Church Warden and he and Marion had to see through this difficult time, deal with people's anger, pain and outrage, at the same time as dealing with their own deep sadness. Pete had to make decisions that sometimes went against his own inclinations. He had to say hard things and do things that hurt him as much as the people they were done to. I tried to support him, and struggled with my own feelings, as I felt I had lost two of the people I admired most, in both John and Cindy. The church was hurting and limped along, trying to make sense of what had happened. Those who were there were bumped suddenly out of our complacency and into a place of looking at ourselves as church. Some people left, others withdrew from the body in subtle ways, and some of us, the soldier ants, soldiered on, picking up the extra work as a way of dealing with our own vulnerability.
For me, it was like when someone your age dies, and you are faced with the fact of your own mortality. If a "man of God" could fall in love with someone else and leave his wife, what hope was there for mere mortals like us? Was our marriage safe? Would we survive? So self-righteous feelings took over.
And then time passed. John and Cindy disappeared off the radar and we just saw them in the distance at occasional events. Dave (Cindy's ex-husband) was around and we became better friends than we had been in the past. In a way, I "chose" my friendship with Dave and Di over reaching out to John and Cindy. I missed them both, but time passed and the feelings of sadness faded. new things happened, and we moved on. When Dave and Di got married and moved to Nottingham Road, and John and Cindy came back to St Matthews, it was easiest to just pretend nothing had happened and coast along.
Until now.
This week we have been planning the "messy" service and I have had to look at feelings that have been buried, unacknowledged, for nearly 10 years.
Firstly, that being self-righteous will always come back and bite you.
Secondly, that part of my inability to give myself fully to the God and the church right now has its roots in the events of 10 years ago. That my reluctance to tap into the creative side of worship comes from a deep longing for what we had before and that trying something new might be "disloyal" to John and later, Tracy. That the soldier ant who just keeps on going eventually falls down dead in his (her) armour, and that it's hard to rise up from there.
Thirdly, that there's a part of me that still resents the chain of events that followed - Tracy coming to be our priest and bringing a breath of fresh air, and then being moved on before we were ready to let her go, although some people were pushing for it. There are some people I find hard to forgive for their part in it, and the fact that one of them is now senile and probably doesn't remember, doesn't make it easier. Love Peter G as I do, it doesn't mean that I was happy when Tracy was moved.
And the list could go on. But tonight was a place where we had space to say some of the things we felt, to listen to others' take on what happened and how they felt. And I felt that we had oened a window and a fresh wind was blowing through. Several times I felt shivery and cold, even though I had a warm jacket on. I believe that, with the help of the Holy Spirit, we started on a new journey. It is just a journey - not a destination, and there is a long way to go. But it's as though a block has been lifted and something new will begin to happen.
Feelings are messy, and tonight was a messy service. But mess also brings freedom from constraints. A new week and a new work.
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