When your friends disappear ....

I looked at my blog today - in May I wrote 22 posts. In October I have only written 4! Time to get my act together and do some writing!

We always read that it was unwise to move away from all your friends when you retired. Stay where you know people and are known, the retirement books say. But they don't tell you what to do when your friends leave and move on to somewhere new.

Our housegroup is about to be decimated. Of the 4 couples in the group, 2 are moving to retirement villages in the New Year. We started the group as a Lent course about 5 years ago. We knew Rod and Fi and John and Ju well, but Chris and Deanna were new to Pmb and we loved getting to know them. originally, Pam and Jenny were part of the group, but when Jenny got too busy and Pam had to move to Frail Care after a fall, we became the 4 "un-Silver Circle" couples who had such fun together.

We went to shows at the Hex, had dinners when Chris threatened to cook "bunny", invited other families from the Parish to join us for meals, watched movies, shared books, shared our travel photos, brought gifts for each other after our trips, and even did some Bible Study.

The group has been a wonderful support as we've all struggled with problems with our families, lost dear ones and faced new phases of our lives. They are my closest friends. And now John and Ju leave to live in Botha's Hill and Chris and Deanna move to Pennington. We are going to miss them so much.

Thank goodness Rod and Fi are still here - if they move, we might as well pack up and go too! I suggested to Fi that we take up a hobby to meet new friends - paintball, perhaps? A new phase awaits us - God, give us grace to accept the new things you are asking us to do.

Over 50s are more responsible?

Insurance for over 50’s -Get lower premiums because you are grouped with other responsible people.

So says the advert on the side of my facebook page. It starts me thinking. Grouped with – other responsible people? Who are they talking about? Maybe people who are 51 or 53 or even 55. But not the groups of friends I have who are 60 or more. They are NOT the most responsible people I know. Far from it!

It really is strange how young people are considered to be frivolous and irresponsible, while older people are meant to be serious and responsible. Teenagers, yes . And Varsity students – yes. Being a student is the time of your life when you have it all. You are treated as an adult in most ways – drive, go where you like, with whom you like, doing what you like, but no one expects you to behave like an adult – responsible, good with money, sensible, etc.

But once you start work it’s downhill all the way into being responsible and sensible. You have to first get a job, then keep it, then make enough money to buy a house so you have to stay in the boring job, then save for the things you need – or buy on credit so you have to work even harder to keep up all the payments, and that’s even before you have children – bottomless pits of needing cricket bats, dentists visits and clothes. Apart from love and support.

I think my most responsible years were in my 30s and 40s - building a career, taking myself so seriously. It was a serious time in the life of our country – when there was so much wrong and so little we could do about it. I’m sure it shaped my earnestness and responsibility. Joining organisations like Koinonia, earnestly working with training groups like TREE, being involved in the church and Marriage Encounter, teaching at St Nicholas in the first days of democracy, all helped make me responsible and grown up. Not that any of the things were bad, and not that we didn’t have fun, but we were very responsible.

Lots changed for me when I moved into my 50s.

Studying for my BEd Honours in the Psychology department at UKZN, with fellow students who had been in school and undergrad classes with my kids, made me feel younger, not older and more earnest. Sharing lipgloss and designer water was a very emancipating thing!

Working with my good friend Mike Ford and starting the High School at St Nics was fun and energising. Mike and I had an amazing synergy in the early days and sparked new ideas off each other on a daily basis. The amount of caffeine in the endless cups of coffee and slabs of chocolate might have had something to do with that.

Having my good friend Tracy Bell, with her alternative ideas of ‘church” as our Priest and School Chaplain took some of the “earnestness” and “do-doodery’ out of church and made it more real and vital for me.

We joined a Lent Course group that turned into a housegroup – with old friends, Rod and Fi Bulman and John and Julienne Booyens and new friends Chris and Deanna Russell – and along with the Bible study came a “party” mentality – visits to the HEX for supper theatres, “langtafel” lunches, Christmas in July, sending silly e-mails back and forth to make the others laugh – good times – and not ‘responsible’ times.

As our girls grew and became adults and married, we didn’t find ourselves feeling older, but have enjoyed spending time with our grown up children on a more equal footing. Hanging out with Sarah and Riaan in Pretoria is always a joy, and our trip around the South Island with Nic and Ray 2 years ago was the nicest holiday I have ever had.

Inviting Sihle into our home when his dad died, and having a teenage son after 2 girls was also something that made us less serious. Sihle is a joy and a treasure, and has always been part of our lives since he was a little boy, so having him live with us wasn’t taking on another responsibility, but a natural progression. His sense of humour – so like Joel’s – delights me daily.

And grandchildren – aging? Not in our book! Kev has kept us young – full of life and energy and funny things he says and does – we love the young man he is growing up into. And we look forward to loving Ricky just as much.

So being retired has meant freedom and lack of responsibility. We play more, travel more, drink more, exercise more, stay in bed late because we feel like it more – in fact, this is the first time since I was a student that I have lived such a hedonistic lifestyle. And it is great!

No work, no pay

Last night the charming young lady who did our census asked me about my income – and it hit me – I can call myself self-employed, I can call myself retired, but actually, at the moment I am unemployed – and it scares the living daylights out of me.

There has only been a brief time since I was 21 when I haven’t had a regular income – and that was when I was having my babies. The years I spent at home after Nicky was born were filled with small business attempts – teaching stretch knit sewing, doing some work for my ex-English lecturer, selling chocolate moulds, making and selling Christmas decorations and goodies – and I always knew they were temporary stopgaps until I went back to work. So not having ‘money of my own” coming in is a bit scary.

This year has been filled with employment opportunities – 3 months at St Nics running the 21st birthday celebrations (not my finest hour); lecturing part time to PGCE students at UKZN; doing a little work for WITS; working with Reading to Learn; training and assessing for Schoolnet and – what I had hoped to be my main new career but it just didn’t work out for me – the Online Training Facilitator for Schoolnet for a few months. My friend Fiona has taken it over – and she will be brilliant – but there is a sadness that it all blew up and just didn’t work, leaving me feeling demoralised and a bit useless, while at the same time, relieved to be out of it.

I’ve loved the work with the PGCE students – it is stimulating and fun and I’ve made friends for life – I hope I can get my contract renewed next year; I have loved R2L and really hope we can make it a paying proposition next year; I loved the training for Schoolnet – one of my favourite organisations, even though there are people in it that I’d rather not have to associate with; I’ve missed teaching at St Nics and the WITS work was interesting if poorly (and tardily) paid.

But I realise now that it is the end of the year, and apart from a few bits and pieces still to finish, I don’t have a job and I don’t have money coming in. And it is terrifying! I don’t have a pension like Pete’s, and the small payouts from provident funds and schemes aren’t an income. I’ve got plenty to live on, but I feel that my independence has been compromised – I am not earning a regular income, so am I still worthwhile?

That’s something I’m going to have to work on in the years to come, because I have enjoyed the freedom too much to go back to a full time job. So my New Year resolution (a few months early) is to work out what I really want and then make it happen. If it means launching out on my own and writing for money; or training – quite what or who, I don’t know; or finding part time teaching that brings in a regular income but means I have to give up my flexibility, I will have to work it out for myself. No-one else will do that – it’s up to me. Meantime – it’s NO WORK, NO PAY! for the next 4 months in New Zealand, and I’m determined to enjoy it. The sponger is about to move in, Nic and Ray – you have been warned!

SHOWTIME

Each year Domaine’s Dance Show is a bit of a challenge – new dances to do, costumes to make, kids to organise, coping with the changes in the programme, organising kids and transport, working on the narration …. And so it goes on.
This year was no exception – but for a totally different reason. I really thought it would be easier – the kids weren’t my responsibility, the costumes had all been made by a dressmaker, we only had one dance and it was simpler than ever, and I didn’t have to go to school.
But Nature put a spanner in the works – the week before the show I woke up with a sore throat – and a huge head cold developed. I don’t think it was flu, but a week of feeling really bad made the week before the show a nightmare of a different kind.
I’d offered to get tap shoes for the 22 kids – so the week was spent getting shoes I’d found on Gumtree, at a second hand shop and finally buying some from a supplier. It was also spent buying wigs, cigarette holders, fascinators, sailor suits, chess pieces – all my costumes and the props I needed for my narration. But I missed the first 2 rehearsals, spending the time lying down whenever I could, high on Colcaps and lemon/honey/brandy and blowing my nose endlessly. Wednesday I had to go to the technical rehearsal and Thursday, the dress rehearsal. Pete went fishing for the weekend, so Sihle was my main support – and he was great. The show seemed messy, scrappy and seen through a blur of feeling full of cold. I really wondered if we would pull it off.
And then Friday came and a lot of rest and a hip flask of brandy got me onto the stage with Phillipe – a fox stole – complete with head and legs - lent by Vivienne. And then I realised the truth of “the show must go on.’ One of the boys said to me “Your funny voice matches your funny character.” He was right. The “old lady” I played was a bit eccentric, and I had fun playing her and holding the bits of the show together. The best fun was that I was on the stage for almost all the dances and so saw the dancers from close up.
The little ones are always delightful – stunning costumes, hair specially curled, makeup and shiny little lips – and practically no steps at all. The odd pointing of toes and a little skip, then a wave to mommy and off the stage.
The Hip Hop group who were involved in Chess with the St Nics kids were great. There were twins – maybe 6 or 7 – with their hair in tight little pigtails – who concentrated so hard and watched Tarryn and Frank all the time, mirroring their movements just a hair-breadth behind.
Some of the bigger girls have real talent – and some have enthusiasm – and boobs too floppy for their tutus. It is always a pleasure to watch those who are really good.
The adult taps always bring the house alive – and their “Time Warp” was great. But Lance in a red and black corset, fishnets, high heel shoes and a long blonde wig stole the show.
Our one, simple dance is always great fun and we get lots of applause – three old ladies showing off on a big stage always gets the audience going!
Saturday went even better – I didn’t think I’d survive baking, going to a launch of my students’ network getting everything ready for Patronal festival on the Sunday and getting to the show – but it was great.
Will I do it again – I think so. Domaine’s shows are always so over the top and such fun.

A lazy week

This has been one of those lazy weeks – well, on and off – when I didn’t feel like doing anything.

I love Bruno Mars’ Lazy Song

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

That’s just how I felt this week!
It rained a couple of days and Pete and Kev went off fishing. Our lounge suite came back from the upholsterers and it is so snuggly and comfortable that I just sat in it and admired the newly sanded floor and the newly painted soft green walls and dreamed about the cushions and curtains I was going to buy.

I had lots to do – assessments, preparations for my part-time PGCE course, work for AKF, Reading to Learn work, unpacking the boxes of stuff we took out of the lounge when the floors were sanded, preparing for the dance show next weekend.

I should have done some exercise – taken Lindt for a walk, gone to the gym, done some Zumba or Wii Fit.

But instead I downloaded some books for my Kindle – 4 of them, actually – and sat with my feet on the ottoman and a cup of tea at my side and read and watched TV and did nothing. Every time I had to go out, I felt a bit grumpy and resentful – especially on Tuesday when I had to rush around at the University, lugging my laptop and seeming to achieve nothing! I was so glad when service preparation was relegated to an e-mail, and didn’t even want to stay after my dance class and chat – I just wanted to get back and sit – and do nothing.

Today I had to pay – all my PGCE part-timers’ work came in and I had to assess all of it – about 80 e-mails today!; I went and looked for material for curtains and rugs; did the Schoolnet magazine (my last); messaged my full time students; sorted out props and costumes for the show; found some extra pairs of tap shoes and prepared for a braai with my boys – Pete, Kev and Sihle.

But I’ve enjoyed my lazy week. Back to the hard work next week – and looking forward to it.