No work, no pay

Last night the charming young lady who did our census asked me about my income – and it hit me – I can call myself self-employed, I can call myself retired, but actually, at the moment I am unemployed – and it scares the living daylights out of me.

There has only been a brief time since I was 21 when I haven’t had a regular income – and that was when I was having my babies. The years I spent at home after Nicky was born were filled with small business attempts – teaching stretch knit sewing, doing some work for my ex-English lecturer, selling chocolate moulds, making and selling Christmas decorations and goodies – and I always knew they were temporary stopgaps until I went back to work. So not having ‘money of my own” coming in is a bit scary.

This year has been filled with employment opportunities – 3 months at St Nics running the 21st birthday celebrations (not my finest hour); lecturing part time to PGCE students at UKZN; doing a little work for WITS; working with Reading to Learn; training and assessing for Schoolnet and – what I had hoped to be my main new career but it just didn’t work out for me – the Online Training Facilitator for Schoolnet for a few months. My friend Fiona has taken it over – and she will be brilliant – but there is a sadness that it all blew up and just didn’t work, leaving me feeling demoralised and a bit useless, while at the same time, relieved to be out of it.

I’ve loved the work with the PGCE students – it is stimulating and fun and I’ve made friends for life – I hope I can get my contract renewed next year; I have loved R2L and really hope we can make it a paying proposition next year; I loved the training for Schoolnet – one of my favourite organisations, even though there are people in it that I’d rather not have to associate with; I’ve missed teaching at St Nics and the WITS work was interesting if poorly (and tardily) paid.

But I realise now that it is the end of the year, and apart from a few bits and pieces still to finish, I don’t have a job and I don’t have money coming in. And it is terrifying! I don’t have a pension like Pete’s, and the small payouts from provident funds and schemes aren’t an income. I’ve got plenty to live on, but I feel that my independence has been compromised – I am not earning a regular income, so am I still worthwhile?

That’s something I’m going to have to work on in the years to come, because I have enjoyed the freedom too much to go back to a full time job. So my New Year resolution (a few months early) is to work out what I really want and then make it happen. If it means launching out on my own and writing for money; or training – quite what or who, I don’t know; or finding part time teaching that brings in a regular income but means I have to give up my flexibility, I will have to work it out for myself. No-one else will do that – it’s up to me. Meantime – it’s NO WORK, NO PAY! for the next 4 months in New Zealand, and I’m determined to enjoy it. The sponger is about to move in, Nic and Ray – you have been warned!