Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

This evening we went to the Sidewalk cafe evening at St Nicholas - it was meant to be one of my projects but was postponed because of lack of commitment from staff. So I got to go as a visitor - no working all afternoon to set up the tables, or helping in the kitchen, or organising the entertainment. No trying desperately to get people to come so we had a bigger audience. We just showered, got dressed and arrived.

How did it feel? There was a part of me that enjoyed being there, being part of the bustle, being there with people who have been very significant in my life over many years. It was great to chat to special friends and catch up with their news. It was great to have a meal prepared by Fran in her spectacular way. It was great to hear Musa playing and Nolwazi singing. it was great to see Petra putting together a song with some of the male staff and watching them make fools of themselves.

There was another part that said - this is not me any more. This is not my turf. I am an alien here. I don't know if I belong. I don't care if I belong. Pete was bored stiff - but he always was at school functions. This time I cared that he was bored and was happy to get Sihle to bring us home early.

It's 5 months since I left the school as deputy, but only 6 weeks since I left altogether. How did I change so much so quickly? How did I become a different person with such different priorities and feelings?

I think part of it is working on a much bigger scale than in the fairly small world of a school. Setting up this Membership programme is challenging and is also making me look outwards. I think another part of it is having the time to spend with Pete and re-explore our relationship. Now that we do see more of each other than the fag-ends of days when we are tired and stressed from other people's problems, I'm remembering why we married in the first place. We like each other, we like doing things together, we enjoy each other's company. My friend Vonnie reminded me tonight how lucky we were to have this time - her husband died when she was still working, and they never had this sort of quality time together.

I also think the 3 months at school this year trying to work against the system cured me of the pain of leaving what had been my home for so many years. It was a mistake to go back, but it served a good purpose. The difficulties of working at a job where I needed power but had none really did take the gilt off the gingerbread. I saw clearly without the emotion of my love for the school clouding my judgement.

Will I go back to functions again? I don't feel obligated to do things any more. I have a new life, I think I am growing, I think I am making good choices. I will go back when I feel happy to - but not because I ought to. My life is change. And I like it.