No good deed goes unpunished

I watched the catch-up of Desperate Housewives today (I said I was an addict) and it ended with the quote - "No good deed goes unpunished." Then I decided it was too cold to sit in the house, so took my book out into the sun to read, and there, on the second page I read was "No good deed goes unpunished!"

So, obviously, that had to be my inspiration for today's blog.

I think born meddlers like me need to take this one really to heart. I love to sort out people's lives, because I am sure I always know better than everyone else. I know exactly how everyone should deal with their problems, and exactly what actions they should take. And I love being a do-gooder. I love doing things for people. But I seldom stop to think if they actually want good being done to them. Maybe my concept of good isn't the same as theirs.

I can think of a couple of times when I have rushed over to visit someone who I've heard is in trouble, only to find that they don't want me there at all. I've made meals no one wanted to eat. I've lent books no one wanted to read. I've bought presents that no one wanted. I've given advice that people didn't want. I've planned lessons no one wanted to teach.

When I'm training teachers, I often have to bite my tongue because I really do know better how their project should go, and what questions they should be asking, and how they should be supporting their learners. I should - I am an experienced project based teacher and for many of them, it's their first time. As the facilitator it is my job to guide them to make good choices, but the temptation is to say - "No, that's all wrong - let me fix it," because I am by nature a fixer-upper. But when I give good advice, and a participant stubbornly sticks to their wrong idea, sometimes I just have to leave it.

A friend once did a good deed for me. I had an op that meant I would be at home for about a month. She made me a box of envelopes, one for each day. In the envelopes were poems or little cards - but also some "challenges" that were things she liked doing, like phoning someone to say sorry for something you might have done to them. For the first week, I enjoyed the envelopes. In the second week, I began to get a bit irritated at her presumption about the things I needed to fix in my life. In the third week, I read all the envelopes on one day. In the fourth week, I threw the box away, and no matter how hard I tried to be grateful to her for what had obviously taken hours of her time to do, I never really felt close to her again.

So if I don't do a good deed for you, it's not that I don't care - it's just that I am learning to do only what people really want, not what I think they want. So feel free to tell me what you would like me to do for you.

And remember - no good deed goes unpunished.