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Sunday, May 8, 2011

To facebook or not to facebook

I enjoy facebook - I like keeping up to date with what my friends who write often are doing. I like to have a chuckle at the things some of my younger friends write. I like being surprised by someone who doesn't write often, and then updates status unexpectedly and gives me something to think about. I like the chance to play around - like changing my profile picture to one of my Mom's pictures this weekend. I like sharing my photos and seeing photos from friends and relations. I don't read everything everyone writes - it gets a bit boring at times - but I enjoy the feeling of connection it gives me.
But this week, three things have happened that make me wonder whether this is something I should go on with.
Firstly, a friend was trashed with the most vitriolic posts by one of her ex-pupils. She replied to a photo one of her pupils (who is her friend) put up - and then another ex-pupil, who is a friend of the first girl, took her on in the most vicious way. It was horrible - and because I am the teacher's friend, I got all this on my computer, even though it was nothing to do with me. It really distressed me to see how unhappy the girl was and how she is still harbouring such bitterness after such a long time. I admired A for being so restrained.
Next, one of my ex-pupils posted a death notice for another one. It spread like wildfire, with other kids crying and not being able to go to class, and messages pouring in. (Fortunately for me, not on my fb page, but I heard all about it from Sihle.) It turns out it was a hoax - and the perpetrator and the girl reported dead are laughing and saying how gullible everyone else is. In fact, V said :I'm famous! I'm a hero, I'm THE drama queen! People who took them to task and said how wrong they were, were ridiculed and told to get over themselves.
Lastly, another friend posted a message about how glad she was her husband had found his 14 year old son via facebook, after his mother had taken him away at 3 months. Most people were excited - and then - who knows how - the mother of the child took off at C, saying hideous things about the lies C was telling. And then again, and again, and again!
Why did I read them if they distressed me so much? Partly because they were there - in my face, where I could see them. Partly because I am probably a bit of a voyeur - I enjoy reading about intimate parts of other people's lives. And lastly, because I couldn't believe what I was seeing - maybe I've been very sheltered and have nice friends, so have only experienced nice comments before - but here was ugliness right out in the public eye.
I have experienced the "war of the e-mails" twice before, where "reply-all" has led to painful things being said and friendships being ended in a close group. But we were all part of the same group, and chose to be involved in it. But this week's posts dragged total strangers into your own problems - washing dirty laundry in the most public of forums.
What does that say about facebook? It's not as innocent as it seems - a social network has the power to be hugely dangerous and destructive, if not used carefully. It can be a community, but it can also be a forum to assassinate other people, to ridicule them and make them bitterly unhappy. Does the good outweigh the bad? How do I know who of my friends will be attacked and so know who to block so i don't have to experience it? If Vuyelwa were my friend I would "unfriend" her immediately - but what about the other, innocent victims.
The lesson for me today is - dont say anything on facebook that is unkind, cruel or even thoughtless. Don't hit enter until I've read what I wrote. Send a message if it's something everyone doesn't have to see. And "play nice" - fb isn't real life, it's a game - so keep it that way.

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